An Open Letter To: Portobello Mushroom Sandwich

Dear Portobello Mushroom Sandwich,

You put me in conflict. I find you delicious, but for some reason my gastrointestinal tract does not digest you properly. That is to say, it does not digest you in the manner to which I'm accustomed: effortlessly and inconspicuously. Is it because you are hard to digest, and my GI tract become discouraged? I doubt it, because that would be a rather grand personification for a GI tract. I was told once by a vegetarian that most humans, as omnivores with an almost limitless diet provided by modern foodstores, have very inefficient digestive systems because they had to be so encompassing. He further argued that since his digestive system was streamlined to only break down fruits, vegetables, and spices, he never had gas. I don't know if I believe him (he also believed that the calcium in milk was BAD for your bones). But perhaps that is why you, Portobello Mushroom Sandwich, and my GI tract cannot get along, despite my personification? That would make me sad because if I had to choose between you and All Meat, I have to go with All Meat. A. Meat is great.

Should I eat more Portobello Mushroom Sandwiches to offset my digestive laissez faire? That could get unfortunate for the people around me. Perhaps my only hope is to save a Portobello Mushroom Sandwich experience for when I am not going to be around anything with a nose. I was lucky today. The only things around me with noses were my parents and they are required to love me by evolutionary mandate. It could be a lonely friendship, PorMusSand. You will be like a mistress that I steal away to visit on "business trips" away from my friends and my Meat. Fortunately for everybody, you and feta cheese are an unbelievable combination. I will carry the torch for you. I will be back.