What I Saw

This morning my Gmail text add read:





...but what I read was:



I don't know what that would mean, but that's where my head is at this morning.

An Open Letter To: Portobello Mushroom Sandwich

Dear Portobello Mushroom Sandwich,

You put me in conflict. I find you delicious, but for some reason my gastrointestinal tract does not digest you properly. That is to say, it does not digest you in the manner to which I'm accustomed: effortlessly and inconspicuously. Is it because you are hard to digest, and my GI tract become discouraged? I doubt it, because that would be a rather grand personification for a GI tract. I was told once by a vegetarian that most humans, as omnivores with an almost limitless diet provided by modern foodstores, have very inefficient digestive systems because they had to be so encompassing. He further argued that since his digestive system was streamlined to only break down fruits, vegetables, and spices, he never had gas. I don't know if I believe him (he also believed that the calcium in milk was BAD for your bones). But perhaps that is why you, Portobello Mushroom Sandwich, and my GI tract cannot get along, despite my personification? That would make me sad because if I had to choose between you and All Meat, I have to go with All Meat. A. Meat is great.

Should I eat more Portobello Mushroom Sandwiches to offset my digestive laissez faire? That could get unfortunate for the people around me. Perhaps my only hope is to save a Portobello Mushroom Sandwich experience for when I am not going to be around anything with a nose. I was lucky today. The only things around me with noses were my parents and they are required to love me by evolutionary mandate. It could be a lonely friendship, PorMusSand. You will be like a mistress that I steal away to visit on "business trips" away from my friends and my Meat. Fortunately for everybody, you and feta cheese are an unbelievable combination. I will carry the torch for you. I will be back.

The Government is Awesome, Maybe?

Guess what I just heard! The tinkling of an ice cream truck coming down the street! Usually trucks are associated with being loud and smelly, and making annoying beeps when backing up. But not ice cream trucks, no sir! Their beeps are delightful, playing Scott Joplin's "The Entertainer" or something else that will please the young and old. They are the beeps of the masses! The heart of the proletariat beeps with ice cream trucks as the pacemaker.

There were two children and one adult standing next to the ice cream truck. I can't imagine that the ice cream truck made enough off of their sale to justify the effort. It must be difficult to turn an ice cream profit with gas prices what they are, not to mention the varied means of obtaining sweets. They don't even have a solid customer base. They have to hope that people are hungry enough for their ice cream that simply by playing music people will walk out the door to spend money. My conclusion is that there is no way ice cream truck companies can be self-sufficient. However they obviously still exist, I just saw one! So my postulate is that ice cream trucks are subsidized by the government to promote nostalgia and good-neighborly feelings. Sort of like Amtrak, but less practical? I know it is hard to believe, but I can think of no other explanation. I bet the subsidies are buried in super-hidden triple-secret rules that say the people are paid back in the "priceless commodity of a child's laughter." If this is so, bravo government! As I always say, I think there should be more institutionalized fun and hilarity.

Q: What do I feed my new pet Jack?

Feeding your new pet Jack is as easy as spending a few minutes in your local Giant Eagle. Jack likes a balance of novelty and familiarity, but is generally happy eating very simple food. If your Jack enjoys a particular dish, feed it to him as often as once a day. With only a tiny bit of variety Jack will stay interested in the simplest of foods, saving you shopping and preparation time. This omnivorous acceptance of most foods is part of what makes Jack one of the most popular and adaptable household pets.

Examples of foods that are good to feed your Jack are:
- Soups: Easy to pick out and prepare, Jack enjoys most soups, chili, gumbos, and the like.

- Sandwiches: Pick out a wheat bread (go for the one with the most slices/loaf/dollar for best cost-effectiveness), some lunchmeat, and cheese. Try ham and chedder or turkey and spicy pepperjack for a more flavorful treat.

- Mac & Cheese: The easiest meal. Any kind will do fabulously.

- Cereal: Probably Jack's favorite food is also the easiest to prepare. Have plenty of 1% milk handy because Jack is likely to eat a bowl of cereal at some point every day (usually in the morning). Anything with a decent fiber content will keep your Jack healthy, and once in a while surprise him with a sugary treat. Oatmeal is another good option, though a little less frequently chosen. Go for "real" oatmeal (not instant) and sweeten it up with some brown sugar or fruit slices.

- Salad: Though longer shopping and prep-time usually discourage salads from the menu, Jack is perfectly happy eating a salad for lunch, given that he has some Bleu Cheese or Ranch dressing. Bleu Cheese is always good to have around the house, as Jack will rarely take any other condiment with any hot or "Buffalo-related" foods.

- Fruit: Jack enjoys a variety of fruits, and these should be the most varied part of his diet. Get a bag of apples one week, bananas the next. Oranges, grapes, strawberries, and peaches are great choices, with tangerines being a favorite. If available, Jack will eat one or two pieces of fruit daily. If not available, he probably won't miss it. So always have some fruit on hand for a healthy snack.

- Yogurt: Similar to fruits, Jack will eat some kind of yogurt about once a day if it is available. Go for whatever is on sale unless it's some weird diet or no-fat yogurt imitation. Simple fruit flavors are favored over more exotic flavors like coffee or key lime. Recently YoCrunch has been a favorite, especially the Oreo flavor.

- Beer: Though Jack won't drink very much beer, it's good to have on hand for a bit of R&R after a long day. When out of the house jack will choose his own (usually leaning towards darker ales instead of pilsners or lagers, and occasionally indulging in a port or stout), but for the home try a mid-price Canadian beer like Molson Canadian or LaBatt Blue.

What to avoid: Jack will actually avoid eating most "junk food" unless he is really hungry or bored. This includes chips, candy, and pop/soda. Don't buy it and he won't eat it, saving you time and saving him empty calories.


That should be all you need to keep your pet Jack healthy and happy almost every day! Remember, Jack may not be culinarily adventurous, but he's very open to new ideas. So try anything! If he enjoys it (he'll make it quite clear by cleaning his plate), work your new discovery into the rotation. If you give him a standard basic diet from this list, and add some variety in dinners, Jack will remain a friendly and easily-cared-for addition to your family for years.