The true meaning of springtime

At a latitude like ours where there are 4 real seasons, everyone has that moment where they realize, "Hey, it's spring!" The stereotypical sign is seeing the first robin of springtime. For many people it's the smell of blossoming flowers and trees. I once had it when I walked out of a rehearsal to find, for the first time all semester, it wasn't pitch black at 8pm. This year it was my own body that signaled the occasion and made me realize the true meaning of springtime: Spring is when I stop being lazy and sitting around in my pajamas all day, and start sitting around in my underwear all day.

Isn't nature beautiful?

*today's gimm*ick

*So guess what I have? I*'ll give you *a hint. *It comes in semi-regular interva*ls, *is distracting* while you *type, and is a spasm of* your diaphragm. Give *up? It's the hic*cups! Hooray*! Actuall*y I think the hiccups* are super-annoy*ing, but I thought I'd try and do something interesting with them sinc*e I've got them. *Every time you see a*n asterisk, that's when I hiccuppe*d. So *there you have it. Thi*s is what it's *like to type with* the hiccups. In case you hav*en't tried *it. It's pretty anno*ying to *read, I assume? Well it's annoy*ing to write too.* * * (*That was a moment where I was tr*ying to plan what *to say next. I'm trying to be as stre*am-of-con*sciousness as I can here*, to keep the flow*... flowin'.*) *I don't really like the hiccup*s, and I'll tell you why. I don't* like it when I'm *not the one who's controlling something in my body*. For example, I don'*t like being sick,* I don'*t like it when hunger or sleepynes*s impedes my ability to function, an*d I don't* like being really, REALLY drunk (*A little drunk or regul*ar drunk is okay)*.* Whoa! Those two were quick!*

*

*Damn y*ou, the hiccups. Damn your eyes.* Maybe I* should try* holding my breath.

(inhale)

I'm taking blogging to a whole new level today. This is what it's like to type while you're holding your breath! Awesome! I wonder if it comes through to the reader. I imagine not, since I'm not being very delicate about my writing here. You can tell someone is a good writer when they're like "This is what I'm doing, and this is how you should be feeling!" That makes it very clear to the reader, but perhaps not very engrossing.

Though speaking of involving the reader, I'm pretty sure I know what you're thinking. I'll admit it, people, I didn't hold my breath that whole time. A few times I gently let it out and inhaled again. That's how you do it when you want to relax your diaphragm, and that's what I wanted so that's what I did. Lo, and behold! The troublesome hiccups have dissappeared, and with them has gone the asterisk-gimmick!

END OF STORY. NO POINT, NO EDITING.

Beardo

So whenever I'm away from my lady for a few days it seems inevitable that I grow a beard. Chicks dig a well-groomed man. I suppose that while the dog has earned the title of "man's best friend" the barber is the girl's best friend. This hypothesis is further supported by the revelation that dogs and barbers have opposite effects on the amount of hair/fur that is on a person. Read that over. In my world, this is how logic works.

I got my hair cut fairly recently. I noticed that without the darker hair of my scalp in the mix, the hair you see when my sideburns are short is strikingly red. As the days pass without a lady to shave for, I notice that the hair on my face and particularly on my chin is also red. I remember when I grew a beard a few years ago that it was a little red, but it seems even moreso now. This got me thinking: If all of my hair was the half-dark/half-red mix of my beard, I would look so cool. It adds texture and warmth to the look because there are multiple colors and shades going on. Alas, my head is mixed instead with a light salting of white hairs. Perhaps as I age the whole thing will turn into a red/brown-black/white kaleidoscope?

In semi-related news, my sister asked me last week if I wanted to be the "celebrant" (for lack of a better term) at her wedding this summer. She and her boo are getting legally married beforehand, but they want me to lead the ceremony for the friends/family! She said I have a good voice for it, and I could be "appropriately regal." Perhaps this summer I will grow a beard to look the part. It would be an appropriate time for it since I'll be living in my parents' house, so I will probably be removed from anything having to do with ladies. The only problem is that beards, especially new beards, can be warm and itchy. Not exactly ideal for the hot and humid Buffalo summer. Maybe Alice will move the wedding to the winter, to better suit my beard-needs.

2 posts in one day??!?!

Before you read any further, take the following test. It's an interesting analysis of your style of humor.

TAKE THE TEST!


You didn't take it yet did you? You kept reading? See, I want you to take it first because I'm going to tell you what my result was, and I don't want you to be influenced by me.

So go ahead and CHECK IT.

Okay now that you've really done it*, this is what my answer was:
Your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais


_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I'd say that's pretty close. People have often commented that when I'm in my element with my closest friends, conversation becomes a constant stream of allusion, wordplay, and stylized delivery that can be indecipherable to people without the same perspective. And by that I mean people who haven't taken in the same movies/books/cultural phenomena, who aren't verbally oriented enough to enjoy puns and interesting diction, and who don't learn by asking questions of their friends, only to turn their new knowledge into a joke later that year. Not to sound condescending, but I really enjoy a thickly verbal and perfectly executed random allusion. And while Family Guy quotes are often hilarious, nothing beats a reference to Chaucer that only three people in the group understand.

But I also lived in a fraternity house, albeit a smart one, and I enjoyed most of the goings-on. I DO think rudeness and vulgarity is inherently funny, and I'm proud to be "that guy" who will push the limit of what is acceptable to joke about (in the right company). Maybe the above style is still there, because it's all about the creative use of rudeness. Nothing is funnier than when you're thinking "I shouldn't be laughing at this" and you're laughing anyway. I guess it adds the element of laughing at yourself.

You and I, we'll get along, but if we trade our favorite books we'll get along better.

*PS- post your result from the humor test as a comment, I really want to see what the other results say. Also, I really want a comment.

Intense Dreams

One of the things I look forward to every spring/summer is the day being longer. Now that we're well past the equinox, the sun comes up noticeably earlier and goes down quite a bit later. This combats the frustrating experience of going in to a meeting or rehearsal or something during the day (say, at 5pm) and coming out when it's dark (by like 6:30). On the other end of the day, it makes sunlight pour into my room in the morning, which is a great way to wake up. If my alarm goes off and it looks like it's morning, it's much easier for me to tell myself, "it's morning, time to get up!" and bound out of bed, fresh-faced and excited for a new day. Well, maybe not all that, but it sure beats leaving your house and thinking, "it's still nighttime and I should be asleep."

The second side effect of the morning sunlight happens when I don't have a specific reason to get up. The sunlight wakes some part of me up a bit and brings me into a very intense king of R.E.M. sleep. I'm fairly sure that's how it works. What I'm getting at is, the kinds of dreams I have on lazy summer mornings are unparalleled by almost any other experience of my life. Not only are all five senses fully engaged, but I get emotionally caught up in what's going on in the story. I often have the experience of waking up and not knowing where I am, or even WHO I am. For all intents and purposes what your brain experiences during such a dream is indistinguishable from reality. During most of the year I'd say I have one of these dreams about once a fortnight. During the spring and summer months, with their lazy mornings in sun-filled bedrooms, it happens frequently. Recently it's been every single morning; I'm not sure where I am and I feel as if I've been physically and emotionally ripped out of some situation. I kept a dream journal a few summers back and it was really fun. I'd start writing as soon as my eyes opened. I'd commonly get a page or two of really descriptive characters and settings, dialogue, plotlines, emotions and secret intents. Whole narratives would spit out of me every morning and I'd write them with as little non-dream thought as possible. When I'd look back there were bits of my waking life blended together with total fantasy, culling stories from every aspect of my imagination. The catch was that I could spend an hour every morning thinking and writing about my dreams. So the dream journal fell to morning productivity, but the dreams will probably never stop.

"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." - William Dement

This morning I woke up almost in tears because in my dream I'd been writing this beautiful song for a woman I was desperately in love with. The coolest part is I remembered a little of the song, and I went and figured it out with my trusty acoustic guitar. Now I wouldn't say it was as beautiful and life-changing as it felt in the dream, but the circumstances of it's composition are a bit different in this reality. I also found this written on the notepad next to my bed, "Now if there's one thing that a man hates, it's when something makes him stop." It's apparently from another reality-bending dream earlier in the morning, and I believe it was a joke told in a sort of Duke's of Hazard Narrator type of way. Good times!

So if you encounter me shortly after waking up in the morning, cut me some slack. I was just about to scream because I couldn't save the city, and now I'm in this bed and I can't remember my own name.

PhotoChicagop

The other day I promised details on my second trip to Chicago within recent memory. (You may remember some posts from another trip I took last October.) My lady has been accepted to a few law schools, and this past weekend we went out to see what the Chicago-Kent School of Law had to offer that might draw her away from the higher-ranked Ohio State University Moritz College of Law (besides a better name and more attractive webpage). Her dad is one of those "travelling all-of-the-times businessmen" and he cashed in a few frequent flyer miles and hotel points, so I was lucky enough to tag along for free! Friday we walked around in Chicago, geting a famous deep-dish pizza before visiting Millennium Park and State Street. After a nice wine and cheese reception at the school we took a tip from another prospy and went to a fancy bar in the Signature Room in the John Hancock Building (a very tall and famous non-Sears Tower building). I guess the observation deck on the 94th floor costs about $10, but one floor up that $10 will get you the same view AND a really fancy drink. This is a blurry cell phone-camera picture of the view at night, showing the "Magnificent Mile" near the center and the spires of the Sears Tower far above the city towards the right. Click to make it bigger:



While Laura was busy doing law school stuff on Saturday, I went to the amazing Shedd Aquarium. Seriously, it was just about the coolest. Probably the #1 thing I'd recommend to any Chicago visitor (or native, for that matter). We met back up and went to the Sears Tower, which was as amazing as it was in October. It was a clear day so the visibility was about 30 miles. Wow. I took more pictures with my smell phone and made this using my very limited Photoshop abilities. (Again, click to see it full size):



I finished off the experience with an overpriced "Chicago-style" hotdog in the airport, and about 36 hours after we had left we were home. Next ChicaGoal: Experience Chicago in the summer when maybe the wind won't freeze your skin.

Q: What do I feed my new pet Jack?

Feeding your new pet Jack is as easy as spending a few minutes in your local Giant Eagle. Jack likes a balance of novelty and familiarity, but is generally happy eating very simple food. If your Jack enjoys a particular dish, feed it to him as often as once a day. With only a tiny bit of variety Jack will stay interested in the simplest of foods, saving you shopping and preparation time. This omnivorous acceptance of most foods is part of what makes Jack one of the most popular and adaptable household pets.

Examples of foods that are good to feed your Jack are:
- Soups: Easy to pick out and prepare, Jack enjoys most soups, chili, gumbos, and the like.

- Sandwiches: Pick out a wheat bread (go for the one with the most slices/loaf/dollar for best cost-effectiveness), some lunchmeat, and cheese. Try ham and chedder or turkey and spicy pepperjack for a more flavorful treat.

- Mac & Cheese: The easiest meal. Any kind will do fabulously.

- Cereal: Probably Jack's favorite food is also the easiest to prepare. Have plenty of 1% milk handy because Jack is likely to eat a bowl of cereal at some point every day (usually in the morning). Anything with a decent fiber content will keep your Jack healthy, and once in a while surprise him with a sugary treat. Oatmeal is another good option, though a little less frequently chosen. Go for "real" oatmeal (not instant) and sweeten it up with some brown sugar or fruit slices.

- Salad: Though longer shopping and prep-time usually discourage salads from the menu, Jack is perfectly happy eating a salad for lunch, given that he has some Bleu Cheese or Ranch dressing. Bleu Cheese is always good to have around the house, as Jack will rarely take any other condiment with any hot or "Buffalo-related" foods.

- Fruit: Jack enjoys a variety of fruits, and these should be the most varied part of his diet. Get a bag of apples one week, bananas the next. Oranges, grapes, strawberries, and peaches are great choices, with tangerines being a favorite. If available, Jack will eat one or two pieces of fruit daily. If not available, he probably won't miss it. So always have some fruit on hand for a healthy snack.

- Yogurt: Similar to fruits, Jack will eat some kind of yogurt about once a day if it is available. Go for whatever is on sale unless it's some weird diet or no-fat yogurt imitation. Simple fruit flavors are favored over more exotic flavors like coffee or key lime. Recently YoCrunch has been a favorite, especially the Oreo flavor.

- Beer: Though Jack won't drink very much beer, it's good to have on hand for a bit of R&R after a long day. When out of the house jack will choose his own (usually leaning towards darker ales instead of pilsners or lagers, and occasionally indulging in a port or stout), but for the home try a mid-price Canadian beer like Molson Canadian or LaBatt Blue.

What to avoid: Jack will actually avoid eating most "junk food" unless he is really hungry or bored. This includes chips, candy, and pop/soda. Don't buy it and he won't eat it, saving you time and saving him empty calories.


That should be all you need to keep your pet Jack healthy and happy almost every day! Remember, Jack may not be culinarily adventurous, but he's very open to new ideas. So try anything! If he enjoys it (he'll make it quite clear by cleaning his plate), work your new discovery into the rotation. If you give him a standard basic diet from this list, and add some variety in dinners, Jack will remain a friendly and easily-cared-for addition to your family for years.

Chicago Whirlwind!

I just went on a trip to Chicago that was as short as it was fun. ("Very" on both accounts.) Pictures and explanation to follow.

Bedtime Story

Today I thought of like 4 great things that I should write about on here. Of course, I don't remember any of them, and now I'm too tired to think of anything else creative to say.

I will relate one quick story, which relates to me being so tired. Once upon a time my sister was washing the kitchen floor or the bathroom or something. When she was done she commented that even though she washed her hands, they still smelled like Pine Sol. Apparently my mom responded, "If you don't want them to smell like that for the rest of your life, then you should go to college." Now my sister was already planning on going to college, and certainly didn't need this mildly-threatening encouragement, but I guess the story stuck with me instead. And now I know why. I did go to college, a good one, and I got a good degree, but this week I have been experiencing the male version of "...and that's why you go to college." I've been working a temp job setting up for a conference and all I've been doing is getting ordered around to move heavy things. (Or, sometimes, boxes full of heavy things.) Every morning I've been waking up aching. Every night I've been crashing on my bed and passing out from physical exhaustion. Not in the good "I went on a long hike today" way. In the frustrating "I moved a bunch of shit, then I moved half of it back because someone changed their mind or got different orders." It is not satisfying AND it's painful.

But I already went to college. And there's the rub.

The end!
No moral.

Quick Nautical Knowledge

Did you know that whistling at sea is bad luck? It is, and now you do. The reasons are many and varied, usually centering around the idea of not angering the god(s) of sea or wind, who may think you are whistling to challenge them and blow winds and storms back at you. A more culturally specific explanation is not wanting to wake Neptune who may disturb your voyage.

So next time you're out at sea, keep that whistling on lockdown.

My head a splode

Last night I was watching TV with some buddies, and we came across this cartoon. It was on Cartoon Network late at night, there were dolphins and they mentioned "Sealab" so we assumed it was Sealab 2021. But there was something wrong. It was really awful, the "train wreck" kind of awful that you just can't turn away from. As we watched it I commented that the main hero looked like a young Chuck Norris. Then I noticed that the other characters were actually calling him "Chuck." What a coincidence! About 3/4 of the way through the villain Superninja (I told you it was really bad) yelled in his G.I. Joe villain knockoff voice "I'll finish Norris!" We were stunned. Somehow we had come across a cartoon actually starring Chuck Norris, ending with a live-action Norris giving an inspirational message about never giving up. It was such an indescribably bad/great/really, REALLY bad show. Then I remembered a friend of mine telling me about a short-lived Chuck-Norris-themed cartoon that he found via the internet. After a quick search on my own it turns out that others have had this revelation. The show only ran for 5 episodes, probably due to the awkward animation, the discontinuity-riddled plotlines, and the painful dialogue between the retarded stock characters. But luckily for us, someone was smart enough to put a clip on the interweb so we could all be amazed.

So I submit to you now: Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos.

It was suggested that you take a shot every time the announcer says "Chuck Norris." That's nine times in one 1-minute intro! I guess the dude just really likes Chuck Norris.